The Good, The Bad.....The Government

Its 1:07 am on a Monday morning. I can't sleep. My brain won't stop. There is so much going on, I feel like I need to write it out to help me sleep before J-man gets up for his usual 4 am feeding. Also...my house makes some creepy noises when its so quite :(

Anyway I think I want to talk about the government part of my title. We are in the process of applying for medical assistance. Mainly because we deserve it. Joey deserves it. But OMG is this a tedious, time consuming process. It took TWO hours to gather the paper work to send in for medicaid. Luckily, Matthew and I have been very diligent keeping up with Joey's paperwork from all of his doctors and hospital visits. So that part wasn't difficult. It was making copies and labeling and making sure its fool proof for our case manager. Because we all know how difficult the government can make things. Now, we have applied for social security but our income was too high. *commencing eye roll...now*  so we didn't qualify. BUT we will automatically be eligible for medicaid. You just have to go through all the motions and satisfy whatever clerical work that needs to go through. But if you forget to send in one phone number or forget to dot one i they will send it all back and you have to basically start all over. So I am being overly thorough with it all. The problem is if they will reimburse us for the previous medical bills we have paid. Because like responsible new parents, we paid those bills already. Hopefully we won't be punished for doing so and we will get back pay. *crossing fingers* I just pray that I have done everything in my power to ensure my son will get everything he deserves.

Now on to the bad. After gathering the paperwork for medicaid, I came across Joey's discharge papers with every single flaw and defect he has. I haven't actually gotten to read through those so for whatever reason I thought tonight would be a great night to do so. Boy was I wrong. It was one thing after another and it just really rocked my world. Seeing it there on paper, one after another. All in medical terms which always sounds much worse than it really is. From day one I always felt guilt. Most of the time, nay the majority of the time I feel fine. I look at that sweet face and forget all about everything. But then there is a night like tonight where the guilt just takes me over. As Matt says its irrational. He's not a mother. He wasn't responsible for this tiny baby's well being and keeping him as safe as possible. It's heartbreaking when I think about (God forgive me for saying this) "typical" babies and when they reach the milestones they are suppose to. And Joey will probably do things a little later. Then I start thinking about him in school and how difficult it will be for him to get around and play. Then when he's a teenager and wants to drive a car. Or when he starts getting interested in girls. It was MY job to keep him safe and sometimes it feels like I failed. I failed to keep him safe.

Now with all that being said I know Joey was given to us for a reason. When I got the very first phone call that there might be something wrong I went to see my dad and he told me something that made a lot of sense. (Most of the time he makes lots of sense) When a baby is conceived there are a lot of parts that must come together and its amazing that more things don't get mixed up while they are cooking. So realistically there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent any of this. I took my vitamins. I stopped drinking mountain dews. I got plenty of rest. I did everything I could do and it was just something that happened. And luckily we were blessed with a precious baby boy who we will love and care for like it's going out of style. He will teach us just as much as we will teach him. We are all lucky to have each other. I just tell myself that he will reach those milestones when he is ready. We will provide him with whatever he needs to be mobile. He will have the coolest car because his will have hand controls instead of those boring foot petals. And he will meet a beautiful sweet caring woman, whom his mother will approve. *wink*  So on those rare occasions I begin to feel sorry for us God reminds me just how lucky we are.

Now this week is a big one. We have another surgery on Thursday. This time he is have his clubbed foot repaired. They will release or cut his tendon in his left foot to ensure that it doesn't tighten back up and curve in again. On the right one they will place a pin to help it stay flat. We are doing this so when it's time for him to be mobile he will have every opportunity to do so. We will stay over night since he is being put under. But recovery shouldn't be bad. Ortho will place casts on for four weeks and then he will be fitted for a brace. The brace is essentially two shoes connected on a bar. He will wear that for 23 hours a day for 3 months. Then only have to wear at night. It's going to be a pain but it's something that has to be done.

Now on top of everything going on, I had to officially quit my job. I LOVED my job. I finally got in the special education department and had high hopes for the future of where I would be working but everything has been put on hold for Joey's sake. Certainly not complaining because Joey comes first and I know that soon enough we will be headed back to Georgia and I will be back teaching in no time. As for now though I get to spend all my time at home with my love bug. Wow...never thought in a million years I would be a stay at home mother. I cook, clean, do laundry, and make sure Joey is happy. Now the first three things are NOT fun but the last thing makes up for them! So I traded one great job in for another great one. Fortunately, I work for some of the greatest people that have been so understanding through all of this and that is why I wanted to do right by them. Because hopefully when we return I can come back to a job that I love.

Alright, I think I am finally getting sleepy. It feels good to get all that off my chest or out of my brain. Plus those noises are getting creepier. Good night to yall and keep us in your thoughts and prayers this week.

Now look what we can do now!